...but, also apprehensive. Not for the usual reasons - this is a planned pregnancy and Doug and I would be thrilled with a spring baby, but, so far, this pregnancy is playing out with eerie similarity to when I had my miscarriage.
When I was pregnant with Peter and Elliot I took a pregnancy test 5 days before my period was due. By that point my body was thrumming with pregnancy hormones - I was feeling symptoms and I tested strongly positive. All was well with the world.
This time I tested negative 5 days before my period - just like when I had my miscarriage. In fact I tested two more times over the last week and both those showed negative as well. I am not feeling any symptoms - just like when I had my miscarriage. Finally, this morning, 4 days after my period should have started, I tested positive, faintly positive - just like when I had my miscarriage.
The fact that the test is so faint is not a promising sign. It either means the embryo did not implant until very late, which begs the question, why not? Normally the answer is that the embryo is abnormal or deformed in some way. Or, my body is just not producing hormones like it should. Again, that is probably a sign that there is something wrong with the embryo or the implantation. (Or, I could be off with my dates, but that is very unlikely since I took an ovulation test.)
Last time, I had my miscarriage when I was just over 5 weeks along. That would be early next week. For the time being I am going to remain hopeful, but also mindfully realistic.
This morning, the boys and I are heading to the cottage for Labor Day (Doug will follow tomorrow) and my mantra will be que sera, sera.
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